The only logical thing seems to be to search for solace in the only outlet I know how: writing. The guilt that weighs on my heart is beyond words and I'm still not quite sure the name of it. I've lost someone every single year since the year I started college, and this trend better not be one to stick.
Christina Li passed away yesterday after complications with what I'm told was supposed to be a simple surgery. Li was a fellow writer and editor, in respective semesters, at the State Hornet when I was there, and was amazing at what she did, the best at what she did. Upon graduation in May of 2010, Li received a job at a small newspaper in Visalia, Calif. and, her last semester at school, Li picked up her camera and became quite the photographer. Her articles were meticulous and her talent for feature writing was unprecedented. Anything she laid a determined finger to, she turned to gold.
To say the least, she was talented. And to say the least, I feel guilty beyond words.. But here goes..
Christina -
I feel like I just barely knew you, and for that I'm kicking myself. I was so looking forward to watching you grow into an incredible journalist, an incredible artist. Your work ethic was unreal and your talent at concentration and selective hearing at any given moment was amazing. I know if I told you this now, you'd just react with, "WHaaaaaaatttt??" in that tone you used whenever something surprised you. Like when you found out about the Jamba Juice in the Union that had been there for six months. But you didn't realize it was there until someone mentioned it when we were walking to Round Table.. right next door. But it really was something I admired about you.
You were all business, but really knew how to have a good time and I feel like you just started your creative engine before you really got to take off and win the races set before you. And I wish I could have celebrated with you in your victories, I wish I would have told you more often just how much I really did admire you. Because the nature of our relationship, we were mostly business and I wish that wasn't so..
I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I honestly feel the burden of that heavier now more than ever. Moments are fleeting, and the moments that I neglected with you I regret. There is a heaviness and a weighted feeling of remorse for not getting to know you better.
Lesson learned.
All the future moments to be had, whether with friends or enemies, will be influenced because of what I learned with you, Christina. The affect of what was and was not shared, taken, had with you will surely weigh on future actions.
The Christina Affect will hang over every movement and word as I promise I will never take any conversation or hang out for granted again.
This is messy, but so is life.
No amount of cheesy lyrics or token grief motto could describe the unease and uncomfortable rage felt towards what happened. I'm not even going to try.
I'm sorry I never really got to know you. I was so looking forward to seeing you grow to be so successful, nothing could hold you. And apparently I was right...
You hadn't even left the dock yet..
I'm so sorry...
in Affect,
A
